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INCOMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE By FELIX ADLER D. APPLETON AND COMPANY NEW YORK MCMXXX LONDON HUTTED DC TflE tTKITED STATES Of CONTENTS AOB I. INCOMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE . . i II. THE SPIRITUAL ATTITUDE TOWARDS OLD AGE 16 HI. WOMANS SPIRITUAL INFLUENCE IN MARRIAGE 29 IV. THE REVOLT AGAINST CONVENTIONAL MORALITY 41 V. THE ETHICAL ATTITUDE TOWARDS ENEMIES 55 VI. THE STRAIN BETWEEN THE OLDER GENERATION AND THE YOUNGER . 74 VII. THE ETHICAL ATTITUDE TOWARDS THE DEPARTED 91 NOTE The addresses in this volume were delivered at considerable intervals and under widely different circumstances. No attempt was made by the editor at revision with a view to uniformity in style or to disturb the spontaneity of platform utterance INCOMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE INCOMPATIBILITIES are natural, are to be expected we do not spontaneously fall into tune with each other mutual adjustments must be achieved consciously, do not happen of themselves. In the case of parents and their sons and daughters, the strain due to discrepancies is often severe enough. But there is this mitigating circumstance, that at the time when a son or daughter reaches the age of manhood or womanhood, that is, when he or she begins to take hold of life in good earnest, the closeness of the relation is relaxed, a partial separation at least occurs, and in consequence, the cuteness of the discrepancies is diminished while in the case of marriage just the reverse takes place. The man and the woman begin the marriage rela tion at a time when they enter on the most active period of their lives, when they have attained a more or less developed selfhood, and when the rela tion between them is bound to become closer and closer, because of theirjoint responsibility for the children and their mutual entanglement in each others fortune. The strain consequently becomes more severe, unless harmony is effected. One other difference is that the filial relation is i INCOMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE involuntary, if there are conflicting traits they could not have been foreseen, while marriage is voluntary. Why then are those who enter into this relation not at greater pains to ascertain whether the prospect be friction or peace Some one the other day drank from a bottle containing poison, thinking it was medicine, and suffered terribly. Humanly speaking, one could not help pitying the sufferer but why did he drink poison Why did he not first look at the label Why did those who complain so vehemently, and ask the worlds commiseration on account of their infelicity why did they not look at the label Why did they not take the precaution to find out whether they were really fitted for each other One obvious reason is that blind passion takes the bit between its teeth and throws its rider, reason. Passion is indiscriminating. It is a kind of hunger, not selective of its object. But on this sen sual aspect, which explains a thousand and one thoughtless, hasty marriages, it is unnecessary to dwell. Romantic love is a favorite subject of the poets, and Emerson, in one of his prose poems, describes very finely and eloquently the rapture of romantic illusion, as well as its gradual wearing away. He speaks of the nameless charm that glances from one and another face and form, of the time in the life of a youth or girl when a single note of one voice could make the heart bound, when every trivial cir cumstance, a ribbon, a glove, associated with one aINCOMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE being, is treasured as priceless, when the veins of the lover are filled, as it were, with the blood of the violet, of the clover, and of the lily, when all nature becomes melodious with the inner music of the soul. This kind of love is the deification of a person. But when the person does not bear out the deification, blemishes, defects, hindrances, disproportions ap pear, and are seen more and more distinctly, as the veil of illusion becomes diaphanous threadbare...