How to Talk to Anyone
2016-12-13
Have you ever admired those successful people who seem to" have it all"? You see them chatting confidently at business meetings or comfortably at social parties. They're the ones with the best jobs, the nicest spouses, the finest friends, the biggest bank accounts, or the most fashionable zip codes.
HOW TO INTRIGUE EVERYONE WITHOUT SAYING A WORD
whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time.
TECHNIQUE #1 THE FLOODING SMILE
Don't flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person's face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.
TECHNIQUE #2 STICKY EYES
Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner's with sticky warm taffy. Don't break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks. When talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men,
TECHNIQUE #3 EPOXY EYES
This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact. Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form. Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr. or Ms. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested!)
TECHNIQUE #4 HANG BY YOUR TEETH
Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
TECHNIQUE #5 THE BIG-BABY PIVOT
Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts "I think you are very, very special."
Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch— from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet— must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an "I care about you" attitude.
TECHNIQUE #6 HELLO OLD FRIEND
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes— and everything between. An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them.
You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn't over yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals.
TECHNIQUE #7 LIMIT THE FIDGET
Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you're fibbing.
TECHNIQUE #8 HANS'S HORSE SENSE
Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you're saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You've got horse sense.
TECHNIQUE #9 WATCH THE SCENE BEFORE YOU MAKE THE SCENE
Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.
We now move from the silent world to the spoken word.
HOW TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY AFTER YOU SAY "HI"
TECHNIQUE #10 MAKE A MOOD MATCH
Before opening your mouth, take a "voice sample" of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a "psychic photograph" of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.
TECHNIQUE #11 PROSAIC WITH PASSION
Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your listener's impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.
Let's take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating. I'll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties— then nine more to make small talk not so small.
TECHNIQUE #12 ALWAYS WEAR A WHATZIT
Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your . . . what IS that?"
TECHNIQUE #13 WHOOZAT
Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by non-politicians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.
TECHNIQUE #14 EAVESDROP
IN No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear. . . ." Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!
Let us now hop back on the train that first explored Small Talk City and travel to the land of Meaningful Communicating.
TECHNIQUE #15 NEVER THE NAKED CITY 生动的答案
Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, "And where are you from?" never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you're a great conversationalist. 用生动的情境：比如92年出生，也是Sam Smith出生那年，来替代枯燥的答案；可以抵挡白目的话题：年工资？大概迪拜住一个礼拜都不够吧！
TECHNIQUE #16 NEVER THE NAKED JOB
When asked the inevitable "And what do you do," you may think "I'm an economist/ an educator/ an engineer" is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying "I'm a paleontologist/ psychoanalyst/ pornographer." Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they'll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray.
TECHNIQUE #17 NEVER THE NAKED INTRODUCTION
When introducing people, don't throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you're free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.
Armed with these two personality enhancers, three conversation igniters, and three small extenders, it is time to take a step up the communications ladder. Let us now rise from small talk and seek the path to more meaningful dialogue. The next technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your conversation partner.
TECHNIQUE #18 BE A WORD DETECTIVE
Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partner's every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that's hot for the other person.
Now that you've ignited stimulating conversation, let's explore a technique to keep it hot.
TECHNIQUE #19 THE SWIVELING SPOTLIGHT
When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you're talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking, it's shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.
TECHNIQUE #20 PARROTING
Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.
TECHNIQUE #21 ENCORE!
The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is "Encore! Encore! Let's hear it again!" The sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you're talking with a group of people is "Tell them about the time you . . ." Whenever you're at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance. While the two of you are chatting with a group of people, simply turn to him and say, "John, I bet everyone would love to hear about the time you caught that thirty-pound striped bass." Or, "Susan, tell everyone that story you just told me of how you rescued the kitten from the tree." He or she will, of course, demure. Insist!
TECHNIQUE #23 THE LATEST NEWS . . . DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT
The last move to make before leaving for the party— even after you've given yourself final approval in the mirror— is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody's talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when it's surrounded by egg-on-face.
HOW TO TALK LIKE A VIP
TECHNIQUE #24 WHAT DO YOU DO— NOT!
A sure sign you're a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, "What do you do?”. Asking "How do you spend most of your time?" instead of "And what do you do?"
TECHNIQUE #25 THE NUTSHELL RÉSUMÉ
Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written rèsumè off their printers for each position they're applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to "What do you do?" ask yourself, "What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?"
TECHNIQUE #26 YOUR PERSONAL THESAURUS
Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements. Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you'll be in the verbally elite.
TECHNIQUE #27 KILL THE QUICK "ME, TOO!"
Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger. P.S.: Don't wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you're being too tricky. ( "My goodness, why didn't you tell me? I must have been boring you." "Oh, not at all," I replied honestly. "I was enjoying hearing about your trip so much, I was afraid you'd stop if I told you." Her big smile and barely audible "Oh gosh" let me know I had won a new friend.)
TECHNIQUE #28 COMM-YOU-NICATION
Big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translate everything into the other person's terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word, you. Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener's attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into "me" terms. When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.
( Instead of saying "Can I take Friday off, Boss?”, say "Boss, can you do without me Friday?; Instead of saying "I like your suit.”, say "You look great in that suit.”; instead of saying "That's a good question.”, say "You've asked a good question.” ; Salespeople, don't just tell your prospects, "It's important that . . . ." Convince them by informing them, "You'll see the importance of. . . ." When negotiating, instead of, "The result will be . . ." let them know, "You'll see the result when you. . . .” )
TECHNIQUE #31 USE JAWSMITH'S JIVE
Whether you're standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family, you'll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills. Read speakers' books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable. Make 'em rhyme, make 'em clever, or make 'em funny. Above all, make 'em relevant.
("My daddy's Mr. Farber. I'm Barry,”; Many speakers use author's and speaker's agent Lilly Walters's face-saver lines from her book, What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform. If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try "That joke was designed to get a silent laugh— and it worked." If the microphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, "I don't understand. I brushed my teeth this morning." If someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, "Could you save that question until I'm finished— and well on my way home?" All pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same.
TECHNIQUE #33 TRASH THE TEASING
A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else's expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you'll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws. Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else's expense. You'll wind up paying for it, dearly.
TECHNIQUE #34 IT'S THE RECEIVER'S BALL
A football player wouldn't last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.
TECHNIQUE #36 BIG SHOTS DON'T SLOBBER
People who are VIPs in their own right don't slobber over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don't compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight it's given you. (like, "Mr. Allen, I just want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have given me over the years. Thank you so much.”; tell your big boss what an honor it is to work for him. ) If you do single out any one of the star's accomplishments, make sure it's a recent one, not a memory that's getting yellow in her scrapbook. If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation.
TECHNIQUE #37 NEVER THE NAKED THANK YOU
Never let the phrase "thank you" stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it with for: from "Thank you for asking" to "Thank you for zipping me up."
HOW TO BE AN INSIDER IN ANY CROWD
TECHNIQUE #38 SCRAMBLE THERAPY
Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you'd never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience. You get 80 percent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure. Think about it! Suppose at a dinner party, the table conversation turns to scuba diving. If you, too, had done your one-time-only dive, you'd ask your diving dinner companion if he likes night diving or whether he prefers diving on wrecks or reefs. (He'll never believe it when you tell him the deepest water you've ever submerged yourself in is your own bathtub.) Then you turn to the bungee jumper seated on your left and ask him, "Do you prefer chest-waist jumps or ankle jumps?" If the conversation then changes to tennis, or martial arts, or chess, or coin collecting, or even bird-watching, you can keep up and keep the conversation going. What a guy! What a gal!
TECHNIQUE #39 LEARN A LITTLE JOBBLEDYGOOK
Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is Jobbledygook? It's the language of other professions. Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider. Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you'll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold. That's all you need to get started— two good opening art questions and a warning against the most-asked dumb outsider question.
TECHNIQUE #40 BARING THEIR HOT BUTTON
Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.
TECHNIQUE #41 READ THEIR RAGS
Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists— or anything in between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than you'll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket.
TECHNIQUE #43 BLUFFING FOR BARGAINS
The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when you know how to deal. Before every big purchase, find several vendors— a few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, you're ready to head for the store where you're going to buy.
HOW TO SOUND LIKE YOU'RE PEAS IN A POD
Along with making more profound rapport with customers, friends, and associates, using the following techniques develops a deeper understanding and empathy with people of all races and backgrounds. It also opens doors that might otherwise be closed to you.
TECHNIQUE #44 BE A COPYCLASS
Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young? Classy? Trashy?Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover? Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you.
TECHNIQUE #45 ECHOING
Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker's arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives— and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences.
TECHNIQUE #47 EMPLOY EMPATHIZERS
Don't be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like "I see what you mean." Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like "That's a lovely thing to say." Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.（Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike "uh huh," they are complete sentences such as "I can appreciate you decided to do that," or "That really is exciting." Empathizers can be one-sentence positive critiques like "Yes, that was the honorable thing to do," or "It's charming you felt that way.”）
TECHNIQUE #49 THE PREMATURE WE
Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you've met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our. （Ask your prospect's feelings on something the way you would query a friend. ( at work. use the pronoun we when discussing anything that might affect the two of you. " Do you think we're going to prosper during his administration?’ At a party, you might say to someone standing behind you at the buffet line, "Hey, this looks great. They really laid out a nice spread for us." Or, "Uh-oh, we're going to get fat if we let ourselves enjoy all of this.”）
TECHNIQUE #50 INSTANT HISTORY
When you meet a stranger you'd like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History.
Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics shared by big winners in all walks of life. Part One helped us make a dynamic, confident, and charismatic first impression with body language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and big girls so we're contenders for life's big league. Part Four rescued us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very little in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.
What's left? You guessed it— making people feel really good about themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in today's world. One mishandling and you can butcher the relationship. Let us now explore the power of praise, the folly of flattery, and how you can use these potent tools effectively.
HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE THE POWER OF PRAISE FROM THE FOLLY OF FLATTERY
TECHNIQUE #51 GRAPEVINE GLORY
A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, back-scratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the whole world about their greatness.
TECHNIQUE #52 CARRIER PIGEON KUDOS
People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves into carrier pigeons when there's bad news. (It's called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind thoughts. Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carrier pigeon of news items that might interest the recipient. Call, mail, or E-mail people with information they might find interesting. Try it. Think of the money you'll save on greeting cards. A relevant clipping is the big winner's way of saying, "I'm thinking of you and your interests.” （"You know, Sam, Carl said the nicest thing about you the other day."）
TECHNIQUE #53 IMPLIED MAGNIFICENCE
Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose something positive about the person you're talking with. But be careful. Don't blow it like the well-intentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy who, at the prom, thought he was flattering his date when he told her, "Gosh, Mary Lou, for a fat gal you dance real good."
TECHNIQUE #54 ACCIDENTAL ADULATION
Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence. Just don't try to quiz anyone later on your main point. The joyful jolt of your accidental adulation strikes them temporarily deaf to anything that follows.（ "Leil, you're much too young to remember this, but when Apollo 11 landed on the moon . . .” Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle, "Anyone as fit as you would have zipped right up those steps, but boy, was I out of breath." Tell a colleague: "Because you're so knowledgeable in contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly, I signed it.”）
TECHNIQUE #55 KILLER COMPLIMENT
A Killer Compliment is not "I like your tie" or "You're a very nice person." (The first is not personal enough and the second is not specific enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like "What exquisite eyes you have," (very specific) or "You have a wonderful air of honesty about you," (very personal).
Whenever you are talking with a stranger you'd like to make part of your professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and unique quality he or she has. At the end of the conversation, look the individual right in the eye. Say his or her name and proceed to curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment.
Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipient in private. If you are standing with a group of four or five people and you praise one woman for being fit, every other woman feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell one man he has wonderful carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make the blushing recipient uncomfortable.
Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible. For example, I'm tone-deaf. If I'm forced to sing even a simple song like "Happy Birthday," I sound like a sick pig. If anyone in earshot were foolish enough to tell me they liked my voice, I'd know it was hogwash.
Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half year on each recipient. Otherwise you come across as insincere, groveling, obsequious, pandering, and a thoroughly manipulative person. Not cool.
With careful aim, the Killer Compliment captures everyone. It works best, however, when you use it judiciously on new acquaintances. If you want to praise friends every day, employ the next technique.
TECHNIQUE #56 LITTLE STROKES
Don't make your colleagues, your friends, your loved ones look at you and silently say, "Haven't I been pretty good today?" Let them know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like "Nice job!" "Well done!" "Cool!"
TECHNIQUE #57 THE KNEE-JERK "WOW!"
Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment they finish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction say, "You were terrific!" Don't worry that they won't believe you. The euphoria of the moment has a strangely numbing effect on the achiever's objective judgment.
We've talked a lot about giving compliments, both covert and overt. Now let's talk about a skill that, for many, is even harder— receiving them.
TECHNIQUE #58 BOOMERANGING
Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur something that expresses "That's very kind of you.” (She says, "I like those shoes." You say, "Oh I'm so happy you told me. I just got them." He says, "You really did a good job on this project." You say, "Oh, that's so nice of you to tell me. I appreciate your positive feedback.” Your colleague asks, "How was your vacation in Hawaii?" You answer, "Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great, thanks." Your boss asks, "Are you over your cold now?" You answer, "I appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.” )
TECHNIQUE #59 THE TOMBSTONE GAME
Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don't mention it again. Then, when the moment is right to say "I appreciate you" or "I love you," fill the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier. You take people's breath away when you feed their deepest self-image to them in a compliment. "At last," they say to themselves, "someone who loves me for who I truly am."
HOW TO DIRECT DIAL THEIR HEARTS
TECHNIQUE #60 TALKING GESTURES
Think of yourself as the star of a personal radio drama every time you pick up the phone. If you want to come across as engaging as you are, you must turn your smiles into sound, your nods into noise, and all your gestures into something your listener can hear. You must replace your gestures with talk. Then punch up the whole act 30 percent!
To make up for your missing eye contact, punctuate your phone conversations with "Uh huh" or "I hear you." So your listener knows you're nodding in approval, verbalize "I see," "Oh that's great," "No kidding," "Interesting," and "Tell me more!"
She didn't see you hitting your head in surprise? Better say "What a surprise!" or "You don't say!"
He just said something impressive and he can't see your look of admiration? Try "That was wise of you” or "You're no dummy!"
Of course, you need a big verbal smile in your repertoire. Try "Oh, wow, that's funny!" Obviously you're going to choose phrases that match your personality and the situation. Just make sure your phone listeners hear your emotions.
TECHNIQUE #61 NAME SHOWER
People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention. Your caller's name re-creates the eye contact, the caress, you might give in person. Saying someone's name repeatedly when face-to-face sounds pandering. But because there is physical distance between you on the phone— sometimes you're a continent apart— you can spray your conversation with it.
TECHNIQUE #62 "OH WOW, IT'S YOU!"
Don't answer the phone with an "I'm just sooo happy all the time" attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, and professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill over into your voice. You make your caller feel as though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for him or her. ("Oh, of course, you're so right," I cooed. "I'm so glad you called.” "Oh my goodness, I'm so glad you told me about that,""Oh, I'm so glad you reminded me of that bill,”)
TECHNIQUE #64 SALUTE THE SPOUSE
Whenever you are calling someone's home, always identify and greet the person who answers. Whenever you call someone's office more than once or twice, make friends with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough to answer the phone is close enough to sway the VIP's opinion of you.
TECHNIQUE #65 WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TIME?
No matter how urgent you think your call, always begin by asking the person about timing. Either use the What Color Is Your Time? device or simply ask, "Is this a convenient time for you to talk?" When you ask about timing first, you'll never smash your footprints right in the middle of your telephone partner's sands of time. You'll never get a "No!" just because your timing wasn't right. ("Hi, Joe, is this a good time to talk?" "Hello, Susan. Have you got a minute?" "Hi, Carl, did I catch you good or did I catch you bad?" "Sam, do you have a second for me to tell you about what happened at the game last Saturday?” )
TECHNIQUE #67 YOUR TEN-SECOND AUDITION
While dialing, clear your throat. If an answering machine picks up, pretend the beep is a big Broadway producer saying "Nexxxt." Now you're on. This is Your Ten-Second Audition to prove you are worthy of a quick callback. ("Hi, Harry, this is Andrew. I have the answer to that question you asked me last week." Or "Hi Diane, this is Betsy. I have some big news about that project we were discussing." Now Harry and Diane have a reason to call Andrew and Betsy back.)
TECHNIQUE #68 THE HO-HUM CAPER
Instead of using your party's name, casually let the pronoun he or she roll off your tongue. Forget "Uh, may I speak to Ms. Bigshot please?" Just announce, "Hi, Bob Smith here, is she in?" Tossing the familiar she off your tongue signals to the secretary that you and her boss are old buddies.
TECHNIQUE #69 "I HEAR YOUR OTHER LINE"
When you hear a phone in the background, stop speaking— in midsentence, if necessary— and say "I hear your other line," (or your dog barking, your baby crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has to attend to it. Whether she does or not, she'll know you're a top communicator for asking.
TECHNIQUE #70 INSTANT REPLAY
Record all your business conversations and listen to them again. The second or third time, you pick up on significant subtleties you missed the first time. It's like football fans who often don't know if there was a fumble until they see it all over again in Instant Replay.
Let us now return to your live, in-person show. We're going to talk not only about how to be a hit at a party, but how to smoothly hit on all the folks you want— just like a politician.
HOW TO WORK A PARTY LIKE A POLITICIAN WORKS A ROOM
If corporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pocketful of business cards. If it's a gala where people are gadding about on the social ladder and they want to exude old-world elegance, they grab a handful of social cards containing only their name and possibly an address and phone number. (Some feel giving out a business card in a purely social setting can be gauche.) The most vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and pen to keep track of important contacts.
Often people from one profession or one interest group will comprise most of the guest list. A politician never accepts any invitation without asking herself, "What kind of people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about?" Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-age voters, the politician gets up to speed on telepathic healing, Tantric toning, and trance dancing. Politicians can't afford to not be in the know.
TECHNIQUE #71 MUNCHING OR MINGLING
Politicians want to be eyeball to eyeball and belly to belly with their constituents. Like any big winner well versed in the science of proxemics and spatial relationships, they know any object except their belt buckle has the effect of a brick wall between two people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a party. Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not expect to do both. Like a good politician, chow down before you come.
TECHNIQUE #72 RUBBERNECK THE ROOM
When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.
TECHNIQUE #73 BE THE CHOOSER, NOT THE CHOOSEE
The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who will transform your future may not be at the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event. Do not stand around waiting for the moment when that special person approaches you. You make it happen by exploring every face in the room. No more "ships passing in the night." Capture whatever or whomever you want in your life.
TECHNIQUE #74 COME-HITHER HANDS
Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open position— especially your arms and hands. People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists seductively arranged in the "come hither" position. They shy away from knuckles in the "get lost or I'll punch you" position. Use your wrists and palms to say "I have nothing to hide," "I accept you and what you're saying," or "I find you sexy."
TECHNIQUE #75 TRACKING
Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners' lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy. When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone's life, it confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero around whom the world revolves. And people love you for recognizing their stardom.
TECHNIQUE #76 THE BUSINESS CARD DOSSIER
Right after you've talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favorite restaurant, sport, movie, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or maybe a joke he told. In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, drink, hometown, high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the great joke.
That's all there is to it. You'll remember to eat before coming to the party (the Munching or Mingling technique) to leave your hands free for heavy networking. When you arrive, you'll stop in the doorway and Rubberneck the Room to get the lay of the land. While rubbernecking, you'll Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee and pick your prospects for the evening. When standing around, you will be relaxing and inviting with Come-Hither Hands.
You haven't forgotten, of course, to use the meeting-people techniques from previous chapters. If you spot someone you want to talk to, check them out for a Whatzit you can comment on. Finding none, just ask the party giver, Whoozat? If the host or hostess is not in sight, simply stand near your target and resort to the Eavesdrop In technique.
While chatting with anyone you've previously met, you will, of course, use Tracking to win their vote or heart and all the techniques in Part Two to ensure the conversation is interesting for your new acquaintance. Finally, you'll employ Eyeball Selling to make sure you're on target with every conversation. And don't forget, as you say "so long," to scribble material for your next contact on your Business Card Dossier.
HOW TO BREAK THE MOST TREACHEROUS GLASS CEILING OF ALL
TECHNIQUE #78 SEE NO BLOOPERS, HEAR NO BLOOPERS
Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological functions. They simply don't notice their comrades' minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas. They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never gape at another's gaffes.
TECHNIQUE #79 LEND A HELPING TONGUE
Whenever someone's story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces of china. Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, "Now please get back to your story." Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, "So what happened after the . . ." (and fill in the last few words).
LTECHNIQUE #80 BARE THE BURIED WIIFM (AND WIIFY)
Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge the respective benefits. Reveal what's in it for you and what's in it for the other person— even if it's zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox.
TECHNIQUE #81 LET 'EM SAVOR THE FAVOR
Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your generous buddy time to relish the joy of his or her beneficence before you make them pay the piper.
TECHNIQUE #82 TIT FOR (WAIT . . . WAIT) TAT
When you do someone a favor and it's obvious that "he owes you one," wait a suitable amount of time before asking him to "pay." Let him enjoy the fact (or fiction) that you did it out of friendship. Don't call in your tit for their tat too swiftly.
TECHNIQUE #83 PARTIES ARE FOR PRATTER
There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. The first of these is parties. Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations. Big players, even when standing next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod. They leave tough talk for tougher settings.
TECHNIQUE #84 DINNER'S FOR DINING
The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While eating, they know it's OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough business.
TECHNIQUE #85 CHANCE ENCOUNTERS ARE FOR CHITCHAT
If you're selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could
TECHNIQUE #86 EMPTY THEIR TANKS
If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait patiently until their needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. It's the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas.
TECHNIQUE #87 ECHO THE EMO Facts speak.
Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people about an emotional situation, let them emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only way to calm their emotional storm.
TECHNIQUE #88 MY GOOF, YOUR GAIN
Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim benefits. It's not enough to correct your mistake. Ask yourself, "What could I do for this suffering soul so he or she will be delighted I made the flub?" Then do it, fast! In that way, your goof will become your gain.
TECHNIQUE #89 LEAVE AN ESCAPE HATCH
Whenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, or deceiving, don't confront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is your responsibility to catch or correct the culprit— or unless you are saving other innocent victims by doing so— let the transgressor out of your trap with his tricky puss in one piece. Then resolve never to gaze upon it again.
TECHNIQUE #90 BUTTERCUPS FOR THEIR BOSS
Do you have a store clerk, accountant, law firm junior partner, tailor, auto mechanic, maître d', massage therapist, kid's teacher— or any other worker you want special attention from in the future? The surefire way to make them care enough to give you their very best is send a buttercup to their boss.
TECHNIQUE #91 LEAD THE LISTENERS
No matter how prominent the big cat behind the podium is, crouched inside is a little scaredy-cat who is anxious about the crowd's acceptance. Big winners recognize you're a fellow big winner when they see you leading their listeners in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud or publicly commend the man or woman you agree with (or want favors from).
TECHNIQUE #92 THE GREAT SCORECARD IN THE SKY
Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player with lower score pays deference to player with higher score. The penalty for not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.
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